Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
