Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
