i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize