I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
