Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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