just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
