what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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