I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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