I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
