just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
