Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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