Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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