I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
