and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
