In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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