It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
