I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
pray to the hookup gods
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
