Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
