Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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