i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
