the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
