i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
