Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
