Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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