I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
