At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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