I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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