come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
