Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You pole danced in your parka.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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