Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
