and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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