So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
