I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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