Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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