The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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