I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
