You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Who died my cat blue again?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
