dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
