I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
