Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
