Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
