thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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