His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
