u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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