i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
