Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
