Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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