just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
