Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
