is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
