i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
