You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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