anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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