fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
