my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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