I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize