Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
