There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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