I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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