Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize
