dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
