dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's never too late to be topless.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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