No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
