i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
