Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish you could order shots online.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
