somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
