worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
