My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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