the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
