At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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