I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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